Home Cryonics for your pet
Is Rover looking a little peaky? Abby the Tabby starting to slow down
dramatically? If so, it could be time to purchase one of our exclusive
Cryopet Kits (rrp $99) before the kiddies come home to find the family
pet lying in state. The kit comes with easy instructions on cryogenically
freezing everything from a mouse to an Irish Wolfhound. Slipping easily
into your home freezer, the kit comes with a comprehensive labelling system,
thus preventing the embarrassment of accidentally serving up Jeremy the
Gerbil to your guests.
Forever
young!
Just how does the perennially youthful Joan Collins do
it? Well, the secret's out. She takes advantage of our "Six-month
in, six-month out" deal. That's right, with this simple plan, you
seem to age at HALF the rate of your contemporaries. And because actors
can always claim to be "on location" or "in rehab",
no-one is the wiser...until now, that is.
Are we being selfish?
There are some in our society who criticize us for being selfish in wanting
to overstay our allotted time on Earth. We disagree. We believe the future
will be better off with us living in it. Anyone who is prepared to fork
out good money on such a fanciful idea as cryonic suspension and revival
is just the sort of crazy optimist that the world needs, in what is likely
to be a very difficult future.
What is the
Church's position on cryonics?
On the whole, the mainstream churches don't have a problem with cryonics.
And why should they? After all, churches are pro-life and, by God, so
are we! And some of those old guys in the Bible were hundreds of years
old, so why should we be stuck with just the regular three score and ten?
By the way, we recently fielded a confidential enquiry from Italy, regarding
the possible cryonic suspension of a VERY senior member of the Church
hierarchy.
Another satisfied customer
Cryonics fan Bettina Krasnokov has a last-minute warm
up before stepping into her recently-purchased cryonics chamber.
Tip for the budget conscious
If you're a little short of cash at the moment, you might like to consider
our "neuro"* option.
With this method, only the head is preserved, which results in considerable
savings due to the smaller tank size required.
But, you may ask, what sort of hellish future life will you have to endure
as a "side-show freak head"? Well, the good news is that future
cloning techniques are almost certain to have advanced to the point that
you can select the body of your choice to be attached to your revived
head. This may turn out to be a real winner for the average egg-head,
who has a superior brain but the sort of body that gets sand kicked all
over it on the beach.
* We prefer this term to "severed head", for PR reasons.
Going
in style!
Ivana Trump looking resplendent at Aspen in the latest haute
couture cryonics-wear.
